Home(less) is where my heart is...

It seems to me that the homeless population of Los Angeles is in need of an advisor. I nominate myself. The following are some very useful tips in which, I believe, will help to better serve the homeless plight.

- Stop the angry begging tactics. If you ask a person for a dollar, and they politely refuse, move on to the next person. Under no circumstances should you harass them. Keep in mind, you don’t like them harassing you when you’re trying to take a nice long nap on the sidewalk they use to walk to work. You also don’t like it when they stare at you in Starbucks because you just sat on the “comfy” chairs that they can no longer sit on because of the smell that is now stuck to the fabric. You don’t like it when they judge you, so don’t judge them. They might not have given you money because they have their own personal neighborhood homeless that they support. I personally pay a homeless couple in my neighborhood about ten dollars a week and I’m glad to do it. Because of this however, I do not give to any other homeless people I encounter outside my neighborhood.
- And speaking of supporting your local homeless, I have another idea. You should congregate more. Why are you always by yourself? You should be out meeting other homeless people. Start a homeless gang. Then when you hit up people for money, more people would be likely to give. I’m more likely to give up money to a homeless gang of five then a single homeless person.
- I notice some of you offer to wash windows in parking lots. Right idea, wrong tactic. People like to have windows done properly, by a car wash. They are very particular about it. One thing you could do is put all of your money into buying an air compressor (another reason for a gang, pool resources) . Hang out on busy intersections during rush hour and offer to fill tires for people. This would be very effective with women. We hate putting air in our tires. I would be willing to pay at least three dollars to have this service done by a homeless person. *Also, if you get really good at this it could lead to job opportunities. Nascar is always looking for fast pit crews. Another job that could be a great money maker is parking space sitter. Many people who live in apartment-filled neighborhoods would really enjoy having a homeless person “sit” on their parking spot all day. All you need to do is walk up to them in the morning and say “hello ma’am, I notice you are leaving and I would like to sit in this spot for you until you come back tonight so that you don’t have trouble finding parking.” –now, if someone pays you the money you must remain there until they get back. This is a verbal agreement and should be treated as if you had signed your name to a contract.


Keep checking in (from the Beverly Hills Library) for helpful tips on how better to navigate the city as a homeless person.
Good Day, warm night-
Nola Shumway
Official Advisor, Helping the Homeless

You can teach an old blog new wits....

Notes from Nola on a President's first thirty odd days:

Day one: Changes the locks on the front fifty and back twenty doors at the white house.
Day two: Changes his underwear.
Day three: Changes his address at the post office, Post's offices and the NY Post's Office.
Day four: Changes his socks.
Day five: Changes "white house movie night" location to the E street cinema.
Day six: Changes position on immigration. (Not just anyone gets to stay at the white house)
Day seven: Changes his mind about being the president. Calls Hillary and gets her outgoing message. It says: Hey, this is Hillary, nothing has changed.
Day eight: With the use of some of his really smart college friends, he changes her outgoing message. It now says "Hi this is Hillary, I'm a bitch.
Day nine: Changes the secret service attire. They now wear skinny ties.
Day ten: Changes the pledge of allegiance to the pledge of togetherness.
Day eleven: Changes his mind about Biden as his vice, calls Hillary.
Day twelve: Changes into his alter ego and walks across the Atlantic Ocean to break bread into a million pieces. He feeds every starving child in Africa.
Day thirteen: Changes all the CHANGE signs hung up in the oval office. They now read: Change takes time O, give yourself a break.
Day fourteen: Changes the way the press is briefed by the administration. No more questions, just O himself talking at a pulpit and drool buckets passed out to reporters.
Day fifteen: Changes term First lady to Thee Only Lady. (women run into the streets crying and screaming O! O!
Day sixteen: Changes American policy in Africa when he realizes that all those starving children he fed are now strong enough to pick up weapons. Africa erupts into mass chaos.
Day seventeen: Changes American policy on Israel. Sides with Iran by saying: I'm not sure I understand why it is a state either.
Day eighteen: Changes haircut. Crosstown fade gives him a hipper more laid back look.
Day nineteen: Changes into a bulletproof vest and thinks to himself "I kinda miss the bitch"
Day Twenty: Changes stance on Israel saying he wasn't actually saying he didn't understand why Israel was a state he was just engaging the Iranian president in a discussion of ideas.
Day Twenty one: Changes security codes into Area 51 after he discovers Dennis Kucinich eaves dropping on one of his morning briefings.
Day Twenty two: Changes his mind about Kucinich as his Vice. Leaves a tenth message for Hillary.
Day Twenty three: Changes Black history month to October.
Day Twenty Four: Changes his middle name to Lincoln.
Day Twenty five: Changes his bathroom towels. Realizes his new initials are a painful reminder of the past and changes his middle name back to Hussein.
Day Twenty six: Changes all the light bulbs in the White house to compact fluorescent light bulbs by GORE.
Day twenty seven: That reminds him... Changes the lock on the box. Gore finally stops calling him.
Day twenty eight: Changes his official exercise routine. No more jogging! Releases official statement saying "It is offensive to assume that because he is of Kenyan descent he could be the first president to win the Boston Marathon."
Day twenty nine. Changes the way the BCS ranks teams so that strength of schedule doesn't count anymore. Hawaii is a force to be reckoned with, even if nobody else thinks so.
Day thirty: Changes his detergent. The powder is making him itch. and powder in general makes him very nervous.
Day thirty one: Changes the official language of the U.S. to: The language of love. (We still have five to pick from)
Day thirty two: Just for a laugh- changes the sign outside the oval office from Cleared personnel only to Blacks only.

Stay tuned for more notes from Nola,

Sweet, Pretty, Young Nola Shumway for President O.

She's back.....

Aww, Halloween.
The time I feel most like myself....
Empty sheets hanging from emptier eyes,
Cackling witches void of soul,
pumpkins; robbed of their insides.......
Happy Holloween!