Nola in the nude: A Testament.

The Gospel According To
MATTHEW

We meet up with Nola in Bethlehem, where she is staying with a friendly innkeeper and his wife. She has a copy of the Bible, which she keeps referring to as The Bible for Dummies. She is bored, restless and ready for something interesting or anything really, to happen. She is lying on the floor of the Inn flipping through the latest copy of Foreign Policy magazine.
Nola: What? O? What in a cat’s scratch are you doing in Russia? Why didn’t you tell me? (She stands, magazine still in hand.) Is that Vladdy? Why is he standing in the-

CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

(Meanwhile over at Evergreen Chapel in Camp Pendleton Obama has just sat down to Sunday service and as he takes out his Bible the Reverend Joseph Lowery begins his sermon.)
Reverend Joseph Lowery: Welcome. The Gospel (long pause) according to Matthew. Chapter one, verse one says ‘The book (pause) of the (pause) generation of Jesus Christ, (pause) the son of David, (pause) the son of Abraham.
Nola: Psst. O? Can you hear me?
(Obama looks around)
Reverend Joseph Lowery: Verse 2 (pause) Abraham begat Isaac, you see, (looks up from his bible) you see how we all come together? One after another? (back to his bible) And Isaac begat Jacob, (pause) he sure did.
Nola: PSSSSSSt. O? Hey, you there?
(Obama looks down at his bible)
1 The book of the generation of Jesus Christ, the son of David, the son of Abraham.
2 Abraham begat Isaac; and Isaac begat Jacob ‘blah blah blah- Nola Shumway here! Friend to sinners; foe to saints. Nola requests an audience with the President of these (for now) United States.’
Obama: Nola? Can you hear me?
Nola: Of course I can. Don’t act so stinking surprised. The bible speaks to people all the time. Now listen O, what’s up? Why am I reading about you canoodling with my man?
Obama: (Chuckling) Nola, first of all, this was your idea. You were the one concerned about US –Russian relations.
Nola: I’m listening.
Obama: It was strictly political posturing on my part. Please believe me. I am in no way cozying up to that man.
Nola: My man.
Obama: Your man. Correct.
Nola: He had tea with you at his house. On his deck. I saw the pictures. Did he ask about me? The first time we kissed we were out on that deck. He had just ordered the poisoning of a former KGB operative and I had just finished eating my milk and cookies. We were sitting on the deck and he took me on his lap and I stared into his cold lifeless eyes.
Obama: Nola, you’re rambling. How are things in Bethlehem?
Nola: Sa-noozey. There isn’t anything to do here. This Inn is a disaster. It’s actually more like a barn. There is this crazy couple staying with us though. Get this O, there is this crazy guy, his name is Joseph. He says his soon to be wife, a thirteen year old virgin, is pregnant with the son of God. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA. Do you believe that? A thirteen year old virgin? He actually told us that story over dinner. Said he was visited by some angel who told him that Mary, that’s his slutty fiancé, was carrying the son of God and he should marry her anyway. Of course my hosts immediately threw them out into the actual barn.
Obama: Nola, I have to go. People are staring. You be good. Remember- I’ll be watching.
Nola: Fine. Fine. You get all the excitement. Tell Sonia I said hi. Can my next mission be California? I’ve developed a slight crush on a one Huell Howser and think I have a great plan for California.
Obama: Fine. Uh, Nola?
Nola: YEE-es, O?
Obama: Mind yourself. P’s, Q’s, and stay OUT OF TROUBLE.
Nola: Got it.

CUT BACK TO NOLA SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:

Nola closes her Bible for Dummies and finds herself standing knee deep in a river. She begins to ask a man standing near her for directions back to Bethlehem when all of a sudden-
Nola: (submerged in the water) gargle gargle gargle. Sir (breath) can you please tell me- gargle gargle gargle- (breath) where I can- Sir! Gargle. (kicks the man in the shin underwater) Can you stop doing that sir! I’m trying to ask how to get back to- gargle gargle gargle. (Another kick from Nola to his shin. She breaks free and runs away toward a group of men talking by a fishing boat. As she walks up the three men start to walk away)
Brunette Man: (to the others) Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.
Nola: My Gays!
(Nola runs after them trying to catch up. She follows them up a steep mountain and arrives at a clearing where there are many men standing around flirting. She checks Bible for Dummies. It seems that she’s made her way to a club called Sermon on the Mount. There is a young, attractive Brunette man that has the audience captivated. He speaks slowly and softly. Sort of like an annoying liberal brat who went to an ivy-league college because his parents are uber-rich and then decides for a year he’s going to get rid of all possessions because they quote “don’t really mean anything.” You know the kind that black kids in the ghetto just want to beat the shit out of.
Brunette Man: Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out then-
Nola: (to man standing by her) You can’t come out? Are you guys in politics?
Man: No.
Nola: Actors?
Man: No.
Nola: Football players?
Man: Shh.
Brunette Man: Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, thou shalt not commit adultery.
Nola: (clapping) Here! Here! Who wants to be a stupid ol adult anyway! (To man) Who is this guy anyway?
Man: He is Jesus of Nazareth.
Nola: Don’t know him.
Man: Jesus of Galilee.
Nola: Don’t know him.
Man: Jesus born in Bethlehem.
Nola: Hey! I know Bethlehem. That’s where I just came from. Oh Man, I have some good gossip!
Man: Do tell, little child.
Nola: Well, I stayed at this inn and this crazy man Joseph came to stay with his whore of a fiancé. He told us all that his son was to be born of his whore fiancé Mary, who, by the way claimed to be a virgin, and that he was the son of God.
Man: (excited, points to Brunette man) That’s him. Jesus. Son of God.

CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

Reverend Lowery :(reading aloud) ‘HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHA. And Nola did then fall down to the ground and roll around until she had tired herself. And when, then she was finished laughing at this newly discovered information she rose up onto her feet and said -

CUT BACK TO NOLA SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:

Nola: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. AHAHAHAAHAHHAHAH. Seriously, that little guy over there is the son of God? But I was just over at that inn yesterday.
(All of a sudden a thunderous voice seemingly coming from the sky speaks)
Obama: Nola! No-La Shumway!
Man: It’s god! He speaks. Who is Nola?
Nola: (pushing past him, he falls to the ground and Nola calls back to the man.) That’s not God stupid, it’s Obama. The President. I’m Nola. Nola Shumway. Friend to sinners; foe to saints.
Nola: Hey O, what’s up?
Obama: Nola, what are you doing?
Nola: Hahaha. O, This guy just told me that this over guy over there. Can you see me? Or just hear me.
Obama: Nola, you’re changing the bible. (whispering) Everyone at church thinks the good Reverend is disturbed.
Nola: Well, O, I hate to keep bringing this up, but when it comes to Reverends your track record isn’t exactly-
Obama: -Nola! Not another word! Now, I told you to stay out of trouble. That means don’t do anything that will draw attention. Now, I will be in church the rest of the morning, so if you disturb the New Testament I will know about it.
Nola: Yes sir! Oh, tell Malia I said hi. And tell Joe he owes me forty bucks.
Obama: For what?
Nola: You know I can’t say. But I wish you would have picked a veep with a little more faith in your ability to stay alive. O, I gotta go, things just got interesting...
TO BE CONTINUED……….

Nola in the nude: A Testament

The Gospel According To
MARK

Nola: Okay bye. (Closes her bible and turns to find herself back at the same river she had passed earlier.) Oh no, not you again. (She runs off and grabs a man who looks to be a soldier walking near the river.) Excuse me! Excuse me. Hello, Nola Shumway here, friend to sinners, foe to saints. I’ve got a huge problem that I’m about to make your problem. You see that dastardly man over there? In the water? Shaggy looking fella? No, the other one. Yes. Well! Injustice of all injustices- speaking of injustices how hot is Sonia Sotomayor?
Soldier gives Nola a puzzled look-
Nola: Sorry, (pinches herself until she screams) stay on task Nola Shumway! Focus! (To soldier) That’s what my Vladdy says! HAHAhahah. (Starts to cry) Well, I miss him and I think he’s found another little girl to date. I saw him in a picture with this little twerp Svetlana. (Looks up at confused soldier) Sorry. Not the point. Point is, that man over there tried to drown me! Several times! I want you to arrest him immediately and chop off his head! Do it or else!
The soldier laughs and pats Nola on the head.
Suddenly music: The Russian National Anthem.
Nola: Oh great. Perfect. (Grabs IPHONE out of her pocket) Vladdy? Is that you? Yes, I’m a bit busy. But- Yes, I saw it. (Pause) Yes I want an explanation! How can you do this to me? Is it because I’m too old now? I can look younger you know. I have onesies. (Notices soldier staring switches to Russian with a perfect accent) Мне нужно вы сделать меня благосклонность, моя влюбленность.How do I say, Oh never mind. Darling? Prrrrr, darling Vladdy? Can you tell this stupid mean ol soldier to behead this dumb guy who tried to drown me?
(Soldier takes phone from Nola. As the voice on the other end begins to speak the soldier turns as white as Nola’s backside. What is said to the soldier is something the reader cannot and should not hear. Soldier gives phone back to Nola and runs toward the man wading in the water. He slices off his head and brings it to Nola.)
Nola: (looks down at bloody head) Gross. Vlad? I gotta go. I’m trying to find Jesus. Call Kim, he lonely.
Nola picks up bloody head and starts skipping back towards the mountain.

CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

Reverend Lowery: And now let us look at Mark 6 verse 14. John the Baptist is beheaded by Nola Shumway’s henchman at the request of her lover Vladimir Putin. (Reverend looks up to a wide-eyed congregation)
Nola: Psst. O? Bible talk. You got a second?
Obama: Nola! You killed John the Baptist?
Nola: No. I killed some creepy, crazy man who tried to drown me.
Obama: But Nola, King Herod was supposed to do that. What is King Herod going to do now?
Nola: Have dusty sex with a lot of young girls?
Obama: Nola, this is serious. Reverend Lowery is losing his mind. You’re rewriting the bible.
Nola: Relax O, everyone rewrites the bible.
Obama: Nola.
Nola: O, I’m doing my best but the bible is confusing. I’ve been reading some of this stuff and it’s crazy. I mean like Kim Jong Il crazy. Don’t tell him I said that okay, he’s sensitive.
Obama: I agree.
Nola: Hey, O, riddle me this: Why was this Jesus guy preaching about the end of times if he knew the end of times wouldn’t be for at least two thousand years. I mean, I don’t tell my grandma about the fact that I’m already sterile because of the Chlamydia I caught while I was doing that research in Slovakia. You know why? Because by the time I get around to having kids she won’t be alive. There isn’t any point in worrying her.
Obama: Nola.
Nola: So, I’m going to find this Jesus guy.
Obama: Nola.
Nola: And when I do he better pray there is a god. And he better hope it’s his daddy. Good day Mr. President.
Obama closes his bible and looks around. The congregation is staring at him. Their eyes move from him to the Reverend. Finally the reverend again begins to speak.

Reverend Lowery: (nervous) Where was I?

CUT TO NOLA SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:

Nola tumbles from the mountain and knocks Jesus over.
Jesus: A dove?
Nola: No, dummy, a hot mess. (Pulling down her shorts and up her feather panties) This tanga was a gift from mi amor Vladimir Putin. (She tugs on a ripped feather) Great it’s ruined. (To Jesus) Vladdy is going to poison me! (Looks at Jesus)You must know him (accusingly, with her face in his face)
Jesus: (to his followers) who is this child to speak in such a –
Nola: (interrupting) –WHO AM I...To speak in such a commanding manner? Dare you question who she is? She, who talks to you as if you were that thing she despises most openly and unapologetically about this world? It is of no concern to you who I am, or even what I am. (Pause) However, understanding that you are-and I forgive it- only humans I suppose you will require a name to this face. Typical isn’t it? For nothing exists until a human has named it.
CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

Churchgoer: That’s some real deep shit, right there.

CUT BACK TO NOLA:

Nola: (to Jesus) you win, from this point on I will be introducing myself as Nola of Skid Row. And you, no doubt, are Jesus. (Reaches into her pocket and pulls out three stones) Turn these into bread.
Jesus: My child, I cannot.
(Nola flips through her Bible for Dummies.)
Nola: Well, according to this Matthew guy, you turned two fish into a million fish. Unless you’re with Gorton’s, and are selling fish sticks, I don’t see how that’s possible. I want to see a miracle Jeeeeeesus.
Jesus: A man planted a vineyard. He put a wall around it, dug a pit for the winepress-
Nola: -zZzZz…
Jesus: - and built a watchtower. Then he rented the-
Nola: zZzZz…
Jesus: - vineyard to some farmers and went away on a journey.
Nola: zZzZz…
Jesus: My child?... Nola…Nola!
Nola: Sorry, fell asleep. Standing up, (to Jesus’ followers) if that don’t seem like a miracle to you I don’t know what does. (Back to Jesus) Look, I don’t need you to talk to me like I’m an idiot. I did eight years on skid row and I’m a Rhodes Scholar. I’m really smart.
Jesus: We are all Road’s scholars, my child.
Nola: Shut it Koresh. All I’m trying to find out is whether or not everything I’m reading in this BFD is true. Can you really turn water into wine? And if so can you go one more and turn it into vodka? I could sure use a Cosmo.

CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

Rahm: (whispering over Obama’s shoulder) Mr. President, they’re starting to tweet.
Obama: (looks over at the congregation who all have Iphones out feverishly typing. Looks up to reverend Lowery who is sweating profusely.) But we can all see the changes. Look, Rahm, you see right here in Mark 1:12:
And immediately the Nola driveth him into the wilderness.
Nola then asks Jesus to prove his worthyness.
It is plain as day on the pages.
Rahm: I see it, you see it, and poor Reverend Lowery sees it. The trouble is, people don’t actually read the bible. They’re counting on the Reverend to give them the good word. And the good word on the streets is that Nola is the Devil.
Obama: Oh Jesus!

CUT TO NOLA AND JESUS IN THE WILDERNESS:

Jesus: God? Is that you?
Nola: You know, sometimes I think maybe you are the son of god? You know why? You know why? Because you are completely retarded! (Pushes past Jesus knocking him over, looks up to the sky) Hey O. What’s the haps?
Obama: Nola, your time there is over. I want you to head back to Bethlehem. I will have the secret service pick you up there.
Nola: (her foot out in front her, she moves her leg in a half circle motion looking as cute as possible) But, Oooooo, I’m just starting to relax here. I’m interrogating Jesus. I just asked -
Obama: -Yes, you just asked him to turn water into vodka. Nola, this is serious. Reverend Lowery has been preaching it all in church today. Every move you make there is showing up here, in our bibles. The congregation has started Tweeting about it. We failed to see the connection before: Nola is a nickname for New Orleans.
Nola: For the love of Turkish bathes! I’m going to need to change my name.
Obama: So the Reverend preached about Nola taking Jesus into the wilderness and now the congregation is up in arms, saying that I am now involved with a Reverend who preaches that New Orleans is the devil.
Nola: HAHAHAHAAHHAHA. O, you almost had me. That is funny. How could anyone (pulling out her iphone, pulling up Twitterfon app) actually believe such-




Nola: Sufferin Suckatash!
Obama: Rahm is on damage control. You may need to be introduced to the public at some point. Nola, you’re on the radar now and we need to figure out the best course of action from here. I think what you need to do immediately is to make your way back to Bethlehem, hastily. And please, for the love of country Nola, don’t talk to anyone.
Nola: Got it. Sewing my mouth shut. Back to Bethlehem.
TO BE CONTINUED………

Nola in the nude: A Testament

The gospel according to
LUKE

SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:

(Nola turns and she is standing in a church beside a man praying.)

Nola: Oh God damn it, where is he? Jesus! Fuck! Where did that little bitch go?
Zacharias: (looks up at Nola) Jesus? Who is Jesus?
Nola: (looks down) As if I’m gonna tell you. Who are you?
Zacharias: Zacharias.

Nola looks down at her Bible for Dummies:
Zach-a-ri’-as

Nola: Zacharias, huh, you’re the father of that dastardly John the beheaded.
Zacharias: Father? (excited) I am to have a son?
Nola: (she slaps him) Hey crazy, don’t get too excited. He turns out to be a real wacko. Here, take two of these. (hands him a couple sheets of acid) Go lay down.
Zacharias: But a son? I have a son and name him John?
Nola: (confused) Yeah, you know, he baptizes Jesus, you know, the supposed son of god or if you prefer- Nephew. John tried to drown me. I got rid of him. (whilst bowing) You are welcome.
Zacharias: Bless you my angel. For you were sent from God.
Nola: Uh, noooooo. I was sent here for my protection. Okay. Because I sliced up my cellmate’s face. With a dirty razor. That’s all. No god, no miracle. (pulls out dirty razor and slices through the air) Just a moment of shear, pardon the pun, brilliance.
Zacharias: (running off screaming) A son! He comes and will be named John! He will baptize Jesus the son of God!
Nola: (yelling after him) Don’t forget the part about when I have him beheaded!
(Nola continues walking for what seems like days. She arrives to a town called Jerusalem. She sees a young effeminate boy hanging out at a church.)
Nola: Hi. (she waves spastically) I’m Nola, Nola Shumway. Friend to sinners, foe to saints.
Jesus: I am Jesus of Galilee.
Nola: No you’re not.
Jesus: Yes I am.
Nola: (getting upset) No, (forced smile) you’re…not! (pause) Twerp.
Jesus: (stands up) Yes! I! Am!
Nola: The Jesus I met is a man. You are a little boy.
Jesus: I’m twelve! My mother, Mary…
Nola: The slut?
Jesus: She told me that when I was a baby, angels came to my dad and said that I was the son of god.
Nola: Aren’t we all?
Jesus: Then when I was a baby they took me to the temple and there was this old man who said he had to see Christ before he died. And then (Nola is biting her nails impatiently) my mom and dad took me to him and he held me and he said
Nola: (reading from her bible) and I quote 'For mine eyes have seen thy salvation,' big whoop. Same thing happened to me. You know what he was looking for? My eight year old vagina. So some pervert in the church had a boner for a little kid. Trust me; this is news to no one.
Jesus: Wait, who are you? How do you know that?
Nola: I’m Nola. And you (whips out leash and puts it around his neck) are coming with me.
Jesus: (walking behind Nola away from the temple) You aren’t very nice. Where did you come from?
Nola: Skid row. Sort of looks like Galilee but with boxes and needles. Everyone knows you there. You’re famous. They cry out for you all night long. ‘help me Jesus, help me!’ So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to take you to them.
Jesus: But I have to go home and help mom with dinner.
Nola: Jesus, I hate to bring this up, but, you know, if I were you I would run away. Your mom is a slut, your dad is delusional. Your aunt and uncle are fame seekers. They’ve quite the life planned for you. Did you know that someday you are going to have to die, for my sins?
Jesus: What?
Nola: You heard me. According to Matthew-
Jesus: -Who is Matthew?
Nola: (looking up from her bible for dummies) No one you ever knew. And according to Mark.
Jesus: Mark?
Nola: Nobody important. A biographer of sorts. But according to them, and Luke... and John and eighty percent of the United States, (Jesus opens his mouth to speak and Nola puts her hand over his mouth) you are going to die for my sins.
Jesus: (wiping his snotty nose) But why would I die for your sins?
Nola: (flipping furiously through the bible) Um, I don’t know. I haven’t figured that out yet. But that's what happens.

(they walk in silence a bit further)

Nola: Hey, Jesus, what’s it like- to have two dads? It must be really confusing. (pause) Hey, do you call one Gay ol’ Dad? That would be appropriate.

Off in the distance Mary and Joseph arrive at the temple only to see Jesus a hundred yards away walking with a girl.

Mary: Jesus!
Joseph: On a leash!

Cut to Evergreen Chapel:

Reverend Lowery: Jesus! On a leash!

CUT TO NOLA SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:

Voice from the sky: NOoooLaaaa! Nola Shumway!
Nola: oh Shiite! What? What now O? I’m in the middle of something. (looks at Jesus, who has just peed his robe)
Obama: Nola, I know very well what you are doing. I want you to keep moving. Back to Bethlehem.
Nola: But O!
Obama: No, Nola. This congregation is ready to wage war on the good Reverend. No more shenanigans.
Nola: Brittle Dicks! I’m just trying to be a good person and help.
Obama: (chuckling) Sure Nola. I’m sure you are. Just get back okay?
Nola: Okay, O, I’ll be good. (grabs her tatas) Scouts honor.
Obama: You were never a scout.
Nola: I dress up like one for Vladimir.
Obama: (chuckling) You are so silly, Sweet Pretty Young Nola.
Nola: (‘hail Hitler’ salute) Back to Bethlehem for me and Jesus!
Joseph: (from off) ON A LEASH!

CUT TO THE EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

Meanwhile back at the Evergreen Chapel, the congregation is now riveted by the craziness coming out of Reverend Lowery’s mouth. He continues to read, and they sit, hunched forward, some standing, urging him along:

Reverend Lowery: Uh, we are still in Luke, I’m not sure which chapter or verse. Ahem. (pause) Ha. Nola then turned and was standing on an empty dirt road. Jesus lost to her once again. An angry mob stands behind her. A man says to Nola, ‘you are the devil.’ Nola parted her lips, which made the mob quiver, but then closed her mouth, knowing full well who had told them that she must be the devil. The speaker for angry mob said ‘you will be sorry; you have crossed the son of god.’ And Nola did, then, raise her head and say ‘hahaha hahaha hahahaha. Hahaha hahahaha hahahaha. Is that supposed to frighten me? Hahaha hahaha hhahahaha. You tell your little slippery, black friend.
Congregation holus bolus: What? Did she just say black? Oh, I knew it girl. Jesus is black.
(applause erupts from the congregation- cheers and shouts of ‘Hallelujah’, ‘praise black Jesus’, and ‘New Orlins the devil’. Meanwhile Obama sits, in the corner with his head buried in his bible, desperately trying to locate Nola)
Reverend Lowery: ‘You tell your little slippery black friend that I’ve been looking for him. He keeps disappearing on me. The man laughed and turned to his group, ‘ha, the doubter claims he has not the power of miracles, yet she says herself she has seen him disappear. Hahaha’ Nola walked over to the man, pulled out a knife, dropped to the ground and stabbed him in the shin. As the man lay on the ground crying like a little bitch, Nola crawled alongside him and said ‘I was going to try to help you and your stupid little friends, but now I’m angry. You know what I know about your precious little cult leader that you don’t?
Congregation woman: Girl, this is better than Angels and Demons.
Reverend Lowery: ‘You know what I know about your precious little cult leader that you don’t? He’s going to die. Soon. Yeah, I got a message for your American buddy, you tell that murderer, that Maria’s never going to meet him. You tell him that Chino found out about them, and shot Her! She’s dead.

Record playing on the record player in the Chapel skips. Reverend stops looks up. Puzzled faces in the congregation.

Woman: (confused) Wait, girl, ain’t that from West Side Story?
Man: Who is Maria? Did she mean Mary?

Obama leaves the room with Bible in hand. He immediately opens it and finds Nola Skipping back to Bethlehem.

CUT TO NOLA SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTEMANT:

Obama: Nola! West Side Story? Really? I am very upset with you at the moment.
Nola: (skipping) Well, get in line, O, I’ve got an angry mob of pedophiles after me, Jesus is missing and off his leash, and this Bible for dummies has a vague map situation. I’m lost and my Iphone isn’t pulling up maps. I’m moving as fast as I can. Quit bugging me. I’ll see you soon.
Obama: I’ll pray that you do.

To be continued…… (one more time)

Nola in the Nude: A Testament to John

CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

Reverend Lowery: (uncomfortable chuckling) Well isn’t that silly, West Side Story. Let’s all turn those bibles to page 621 and begin in John. (Flipping through his bible nervously, sweat dripping down his forehead. He takes out a handkerchief with the words God Wipes the Brow of the Weary embroidered on it, he puts it to his forehead and wipes the sweat) Never did go wrong in John, is what they say. Yes, here we are. John 1, verse 1. He looks down at his page:



Reverend Lowery: Oh, the lord is testing me today. (Smiles and looks up at congregation) Can I get an Amen?
Congregation (which is down to two women) : Gaymen!
Reverend Lowery: That’s odd. It (pause) sounds, (pause) yes it did, it sounded like you just said Gaymen.
Congregation: Gaymen.
(Reverend Looks up. Looks down at his bible)



CUT TO SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:

Voice from the sky: NOLA!
Nola: (skipping) what’s up now?
Obama: How can you have possibly written a testament? You’re still there!
Nola: I’m paying John to write it for me.
Obama: Back to Bethlehem! Wait for the Secret Ser-
Nola: -Servants. I’m on it O.
Obama: Service. Secret Service Nola.
Nola skips up to a sign:



(If she had bothered to translate, she would have known that she was in fact, in Jerusalem. She skips over to a group of men standing outside of a building)
Nola: Servants! Got it. Alright, I see them. Gotta go. (Shuts her Bible for Dummies and runs over to the Secret Servants, whom are camped outside a room) Hello help, how are ya? (Waves ferociously) I’m starved. Quick chowtime then its back to the black house. Got it?
Secret Servant, oops, Service Agent: (stares silently)
Nola: This place looks good. (Over her shoulder) love, love, love the robes.

A host seats Nola and her agents at a long table. As Nola looks to her left she notices a man washing the foot of another. She jumps up, runs over to the chair, knocks the man over and puts her feet in the tub.

Nola: Pedis! (To man washing her feet, in perfect Korean) 짧은 못. 어리석은 매력 없음. 명확한 광택. 그것 뿐이다! 그것을 얻는? 당신이 듣지 않는 경우에, 나는 나의 서투르게 수선한 매니큐어를 한 못으로 당신의 눈을 말소하기 위하여 려고 하고 있다.
Jesus: (looking up from her feet) Nola?
Nola: (looks down from her Fortune magazine) Jesus? What in a whore’s abortion are you doing in a nail salon? Wait! What am I doing in a nail salon, that serves food? Gross!
(Jesus grabs Nola by the neck and walks her outside.)
Nola: Re-leeeeeeease meh Jesus! Reeeeee-lease meh from your evil grip! Put me down you wretch! (Kicking and spitting)
Jesus: You have caused far too much trouble for me. I’m trying to enjoy a nice meal with my friends. You will stay out here until the Secret Service arrives to escort you back to the White House. White House, Nola, not the Black House, we’ve spoken about this issue. The service has been alerted to your whereabouts. You are in Jerusalem, not Bethlehem. Stay put.
Nola: (Stops struggling) wait a minute. O? Is that you? Hahahahaahhaha. God dammit. Hahahahahhahahahhahahha. (Looks at the sky) You got me! You son of an African!
Obama: (From the sky, chuckling) my sweet Nola, you aren’t the only one who can tamper with the good book. (Obama, as Jesus, sets Nola down and walks back into the restaurant) Please, Nola, for the sake of society, stops tampering with the bible. Stay there. Don’t make a move. (Nola starts shaking her ass) I can see that, Nola. Please, this is serious. Stay put until the Secret Service arrive.
Nola: (Gives a hail Hitler salute) Yes, comrade! (Nola sits down on a mule tied up outside the restaurant and pulls out her Iphone.)
(Jesus, Simon and Peter slip out a side exit to the restaurant. Nola sees them and follows.)
Nola: Fishers of men!
(Jesus puts his hand on Simon’s shoulder and whispers into his ear.)
Jesus: The cock shall not crow, till thou hast denied me thrice. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. In my father’s house are many mansions.
Nola: Jesus is going to rape Simon at his father’s house! (To John) Write that down. (To herself) So Jesus is gay, and he’s going to rape people. Well, not on my watch. But which father’s house? (Guards walk towards Nola and she speaks to one)
Nola: Excuse me, excuse me, remember me? I’m the little girl who filed the complaint about being drowned by that crazy John the beheaded. I have another problem.
(Soldier stares at Nola)
Nola: Strong silent type? Good. Okay, Simon is going to get raped tonight. At Jesus’ father’s mansion.
Soldier: Jesus of Nazareth?
Nola: Never heard of him. (She continues) But I’m not sure which father Jesus is talking about. Soldier: Jesus of Galilee?
Nola: Um? Am I not speaking English? Never heard of him either. (She continues) And I’m also not entirely sure which of these many mansions it will take place at. I’m thinking Joseph, in Bethlehem because if I know Jesus, it’s going to get dirty, and in Bethlehem, they have a donkey. Soldier: Jesus of Bethlehem?
Nola: Yes! You know him? He’s right over there. You’ll know him because he’s the guy making out with Judas.
(They look over and see Jesus and Judas standing in a garden, [edit] and [edit, edit] up and down [edit] kissing.)
(The soldiers run over to him and arrest him)
Nola: Wait! Wait! I’ll need to properly interrogate him. I’m sure he has others working for him. Wait! (To John) Here, (she shows him a picture on her Iphone)


Go find this and bring it to me. I’ll be (flipping through her Bible for Dummies) at the Governor’s mansion. Meet me there. (laughs to herself)

CUT TO THE OVAL OFFICE :

Obama: (feet up on desk, hands resting on the top of his head he stares at the ceiling)
Rahm: (passing a joint to Barack) Barack. You’ve got to calm yourself. Nola is going to come through. She’ll be back here tonight safe, sound, and slightly insane.
Obama: (smiles) Sometimes I think it’s too much for one little girl.
Rahm: Come on, O, this is Nola Shumway we’re talking about. If anyone can take on Jesus.
Obama: You’re right, it’s Nola. Hey, remember the time we sent her to the Republican National Convention and she convinced Sarah Palin that all her downs baby needed was a little shaking? (Laughing hysterically) Nola Shumway is literally chasing down Jesus in the New Testament. How motherfuckin high am I right now?

CUT TO SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:

Nola arrives at the Governor’s mansion and sees a huge crowd. She kicks and punches and stabs her way to the front. She sees Jesus and an oddly dressed man standing on a balcony.
Pilate: Tell me what I should do with this self proclaimed king of Jews-
Nola: Attention! Attention! (Sits down a crate that says ‘IN MEMORY OF MILK’ and steps up on it. She addresses the crowd)
Nola: Injustice! Injustice! This man who stands before you is not who he says he is! He is a closeted homosexual. And I stand here today with a message from Ted Haggard to tell Jesus the errors of his ways.
Pilate: Seize the girl! She works with this so called King of the Jews.
(Nola looks over to Jesus who is smiling at her)
Nola: You dirty rotten no good liar!
(Jesus laughs as they take him and Nola away.)

CUT TO THE EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

Reverend Lowery: (wiping the sweat from his weary brow. Looks up at the stunned congregation of two) you see, that right there is Jesus tricking the devil. You see, Jesus knew he was going to die for your sins, but he also took care of Nola the devil. That’s how amazing the mind of Christ is. In this next verse we will now look at the amazing strength of Christ’s body. How was he able to endure such pain and agony?
Congregation lady 1: Girl, something wrong with that Jesus. Shoot, I don’t blame Nola. If some guy told me his cock would crow after I denied him, I’d cut off his dick right then and there.
Congregation lady 2: True. I’d pull some Lorena Bobbitt shit and then feed it to him.
Congregation: Gaymen! Gaymen! Free Nola! Free Nola!

CUT TO SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:

Nola: (struggling with guards) you are making the biggest mistake of your pathetic lives. Do you know what is about to happen to you? You’re going to hear the voice of God, and he’s going to scare the life out of you.
(She pulls out her Iphone, dials, and puts the phone to the ear of the guard. A voice says something in a language he does not understand, the tone however is unmistakable. He releases Nola and, white from fear, drops to the ground and starts crying.
Nola puts the phone back to her ear)
Nola: Vladdy? Thank you. Yes. Yes! I’ll be there in two shakes. Um, my shorts. Just suspenders. I’m not wearing underwear. Vladdy, I don’t really have time for this. Yes. (In perfect Russian) Да, моя влюбленность, я буду обслуживать вас когда я получу дом. Сегодня вечером. Я тебя люблю слишком
(Hangs up her phone and runs off)
Voice from the sky: Nola!
Nola: Rahm? Is that you? Where's O?
RAHM: (laughing hysterically) Sorry Nola, couldn't stop myself. I'll put O on.
Obama: NOOOO-oh-oh-oh oh oh oh la la la!!!
Nola: Okay, you're high. Anywho O, I get it. I’m back to Bethlehem. Two minutes. One minor detail before I go.
Obama: Nola. You can’t go to Golgotha. I know you, I understand you’re upset.
Nola: O, in my short time here I’ve been denied entrance into the gay circle, drowned, chased, and patronized. You know who I blame?
Obama: Jesus?
Nola: Jesus motherfucking Christ! That little weasel can get over on 80 percent of the population, but today he’s met his match. I’m not going anywhere until I see justice carried out.
Obama: So be it. I’ll have the secret service waiting for you in Golgotha.
(Nola closes her Bible for Dummies and throws it in the Serpents Pool. She skips off to Golgotha.)

CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

Reverend Lowery: And now we return to the gospel according to, uh, Nola Shumway.




Reverend Lowery: You see that’s the strength of Christ.
Looks down at bible and continues reading:





Reverend Lowery: (looks up from the bible.) Well, that is an interesting interpretation of John indeed.
CUT TO A BUNKER SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDWEST:
Nola: So that’s it O. I swear, I thought I was done for, but my precious Vladdy came to my rescue.
Obama: Nola, I’m thankful you’re safe. Rahm has arranged for a press conference about the Evergreen Chapel incident. My administration is going to take a hit, but we’re going to leak the story along with mental health records of the good reverend. Everybody will think that once again I’ve set up church with a crazy reverend. Kanye’s tweets actually support our story, so we are very thankful for that. I do have one more question Nola-
Nola: Yes, I’m pretty sure he was gay.
Obama: No, (chuckling) I’m curious, is he really black?
Nola: Don’t be stupid O. He’s Jewish.
Obama: How can you be sure?
Nola: Let’s just say that when I said the guards could find him in the garden because he was the one kissing Judas, that was the G rated version of what was going on. Definitely not Black.
Obama: (chuckling) I was hoping, I’m not going to pretend I wasn’t.
Nola: I did figure one thing out while I was in the Rabbi hole.
Obama: What’s that?
Nola: Your tactic on selling climate change to the American public? It’s all wrong.
Obama: I’m listening.
Nola: The only thing in the world that can’t be debated is faith, right? I mean, people actually believe that this man Jesus broke fish into millions of pieces and served it to dirty poor people.
Obama: So to speak, yes.
Nola: Well, they have faith, so we can’t argue logically.
Obama: I’m a bit lost, I’ll admit.
Nola: We all are, O, a little less thanks to Google maps, but nonetheless. What I’m proposing is that we change the way we talk about climate change. We’ll refer to it as Intellectual Design. It will be referenced as the ‘Climate Change Faith.’ Mother Earth is our God, and she is a vengeful god, a just god. Her prophet, Al Gore has been running around the planet warning of the impending doom if we humans don’t change our ways. The devil, Rush Limbaugh, urges on the doubters, filling their heads with irrational thoughts about consumption, Jesus, and evil democrats.
Obama: (hugs Nola, tears in his eyes) my dear Mother Earth! Nola, I think you just started your very own religion.
Nola: (trying to escape squeeze) Ugh! Ick! I know, I know, you don’t have to be all sensitive. Can I go?
Obama: Where are you off to?
Nola: Russia, but of course. Check in with the Vlad. Did you see that FP greatest thinkers rating? Not bad. I’ll tell you, he’s going to have a lot on his mind when he sees what I brought home from Sodom. He is going to (Obama puts hand over Nola’s mouth)
Obama: Please Nola. Spare the details. Skip along, I’ll be in contact soon. Things are still festering in the financial sector. I may need you to go in, shake things up.
Nola: CEO? Oh, man I’m going to have the most amazing office. (turns, and over her shoulder) I’ll need a budget. Okay. That’s all, that’s all… BYE! (Skips off)