CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:
Reverend Lowery: (uncomfortable chuckling) Well isn’t that silly, West Side Story. Let’s all turn those bibles to page 621 and begin in John. (Flipping through his bible nervously, sweat dripping down his forehead. He takes out a handkerchief with the words God Wipes the Brow of the Weary embroidered on it, he puts it to his forehead and wipes the sweat) Never did go wrong in John, is what they say. Yes, here we are. John 1, verse 1. He looks down at his page:
Reverend Lowery: Oh, the lord is testing me today. (Smiles and looks up at congregation) Can I get an Amen?
Congregation (which is down to two women) : Gaymen!
Reverend Lowery: That’s odd. It (pause) sounds, (pause) yes it did, it sounded like you just said Gaymen.
Congregation: Gaymen.
(Reverend Looks up. Looks down at his bible)
CUT TO SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:
Voice from the sky: NOLA!
Nola: (skipping) what’s up now?
Obama: How can you have possibly written a testament? You’re still there!
Nola: I’m paying John to write it for me.
Obama: Back to Bethlehem! Wait for the Secret Ser-
Nola: -Servants. I’m on it O.
Obama: Service. Secret Service Nola.
Nola skips up to a sign:
(If she had bothered to translate, she would have known that she was in fact, in Jerusalem. She skips over to a group of men standing outside of a building)
Nola: Servants! Got it. Alright, I see them. Gotta go. (Shuts her Bible for Dummies and runs over to the Secret Servants, whom are camped outside a room) Hello help, how are ya? (Waves ferociously) I’m starved. Quick chowtime then its back to the black house. Got it?
Secret Servant, oops, Service Agent: (stares silently)
Nola: This place looks good. (Over her shoulder) love, love, love the robes.
A host seats Nola and her agents at a long table. As Nola looks to her left she notices a man washing the foot of another. She jumps up, runs over to the chair, knocks the man over and puts her feet in the tub.
Nola: Pedis! (To man washing her feet, in perfect Korean) 짧은 못. 어리석은 매력 없음. 명확한 광택. 그것 뿐이다! 그것을 얻는? 당신이 듣지 않는 경우에, 나는 나의 서투르게 수선한 매니큐어를 한 못으로 당신의 눈을 말소하기 위하여 려고 하고 있다.
Jesus: (looking up from her feet) Nola?
Nola: (looks down from her Fortune magazine) Jesus? What in a whore’s abortion are you doing in a nail salon? Wait! What am I doing in a nail salon, that serves food? Gross!
(Jesus grabs Nola by the neck and walks her outside.)
Nola: Re-leeeeeeease meh Jesus! Reeeeee-lease meh from your evil grip! Put me down you wretch! (Kicking and spitting)
Jesus: You have caused far too much trouble for me. I’m trying to enjoy a nice meal with my friends. You will stay out here until the Secret Service arrives to escort you back to the White House. White House, Nola, not the Black House, we’ve spoken about this issue. The service has been alerted to your whereabouts. You are in Jerusalem, not Bethlehem. Stay put.
Nola: (Stops struggling) wait a minute. O? Is that you? Hahahahaahhaha. God dammit. Hahahahahhahahahhahahha. (Looks at the sky) You got me! You son of an African!
Obama: (From the sky, chuckling) my sweet Nola, you aren’t the only one who can tamper with the good book. (Obama, as Jesus, sets Nola down and walks back into the restaurant) Please, Nola, for the sake of society, stops tampering with the bible. Stay there. Don’t make a move. (Nola starts shaking her ass) I can see that, Nola. Please, this is serious. Stay put until the Secret Service arrive.
Nola: (Gives a hail Hitler salute) Yes, comrade! (Nola sits down on a mule tied up outside the restaurant and pulls out her Iphone.)
(Jesus, Simon and Peter slip out a side exit to the restaurant. Nola sees them and follows.)
Nola: Fishers of men!
(Jesus puts his hand on Simon’s shoulder and whispers into his ear.)
Jesus: The cock shall not crow, till thou hast denied me thrice. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. In my father’s house are many mansions.
Nola: Jesus is going to rape Simon at his father’s house! (To John) Write that down. (To herself) So Jesus is gay, and he’s going to rape people. Well, not on my watch. But which father’s house? (Guards walk towards Nola and she speaks to one)
Nola: Excuse me, excuse me, remember me? I’m the little girl who filed the complaint about being drowned by that crazy John the beheaded. I have another problem.
(Soldier stares at Nola)
Nola: Strong silent type? Good. Okay, Simon is going to get raped tonight. At Jesus’ father’s mansion.
Soldier: Jesus of Nazareth?
Nola: Never heard of him. (She continues) But I’m not sure which father Jesus is talking about. Soldier: Jesus of Galilee?
Nola: Um? Am I not speaking English? Never heard of him either. (She continues) And I’m also not entirely sure which of these many mansions it will take place at. I’m thinking Joseph, in Bethlehem because if I know Jesus, it’s going to get dirty, and in Bethlehem, they have a donkey. Soldier: Jesus of Bethlehem?
Nola: Yes! You know him? He’s right over there. You’ll know him because he’s the guy making out with Judas.
(They look over and see Jesus and Judas standing in a garden, [edit] and [edit, edit] up and down [edit] kissing.)
(The soldiers run over to him and arrest him)
Nola: Wait! Wait! I’ll need to properly interrogate him. I’m sure he has others working for him. Wait! (To John) Here, (she shows him a picture on her Iphone)
Go find this and bring it to me. I’ll be (flipping through her Bible for Dummies) at the Governor’s mansion. Meet me there. (laughs to herself)
CUT TO THE OVAL OFFICE :
Obama: (feet up on desk, hands resting on the top of his head he stares at the ceiling)
Rahm: (passing a joint to Barack) Barack. You’ve got to calm yourself. Nola is going to come through. She’ll be back here tonight safe, sound, and slightly insane.
Obama: (smiles) Sometimes I think it’s too much for one little girl.
Rahm: Come on, O, this is Nola Shumway we’re talking about. If anyone can take on Jesus.
Obama: You’re right, it’s Nola. Hey, remember the time we sent her to the Republican National Convention and she convinced Sarah Palin that all her downs baby needed was a little shaking? (Laughing hysterically) Nola Shumway is literally chasing down Jesus in the New Testament. How motherfuckin high am I right now?
CUT TO SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:
Nola arrives at the Governor’s mansion and sees a huge crowd. She kicks and punches and stabs her way to the front. She sees Jesus and an oddly dressed man standing on a balcony.
Pilate: Tell me what I should do with this self proclaimed king of Jews-
Nola: Attention! Attention! (Sits down a crate that says ‘IN MEMORY OF MILK’ and steps up on it. She addresses the crowd)
Nola: Injustice! Injustice! This man who stands before you is not who he says he is! He is a closeted homosexual. And I stand here today with a message from Ted Haggard to tell Jesus the errors of his ways.
Pilate: Seize the girl! She works with this so called King of the Jews.
(Nola looks over to Jesus who is smiling at her)
Nola: You dirty rotten no good liar!
(Jesus laughs as they take him and Nola away.)
CUT TO THE EVERGREEN CHAPEL:
Reverend Lowery: (wiping the sweat from his weary brow. Looks up at the stunned congregation of two) you see, that right there is Jesus tricking the devil. You see, Jesus knew he was going to die for your sins, but he also took care of Nola the devil. That’s how amazing the mind of Christ is. In this next verse we will now look at the amazing strength of Christ’s body. How was he able to endure such pain and agony?
Congregation lady 1: Girl, something wrong with that Jesus. Shoot, I don’t blame Nola. If some guy told me his cock would crow after I denied him, I’d cut off his dick right then and there.
Congregation lady 2: True. I’d pull some Lorena Bobbitt shit and then feed it to him.
Congregation: Gaymen! Gaymen! Free Nola! Free Nola!
CUT TO SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:
Nola: (struggling with guards) you are making the biggest mistake of your pathetic lives. Do you know what is about to happen to you? You’re going to hear the voice of God, and he’s going to scare the life out of you.
(She pulls out her Iphone, dials, and puts the phone to the ear of the guard. A voice says something in a language he does not understand, the tone however is unmistakable. He releases Nola and, white from fear, drops to the ground and starts crying.
Nola puts the phone back to her ear)
Nola: Vladdy? Thank you. Yes. Yes! I’ll be there in two shakes. Um, my shorts. Just suspenders. I’m not wearing underwear. Vladdy, I don’t really have time for this. Yes. (In perfect Russian) Да, моя влюбленность, я буду обслуживать вас когда я получу дом. Сегодня вечером. Я тебя люблю слишком
(Hangs up her phone and runs off)
Voice from the sky: Nola!
Nola: Rahm? Is that you? Where's O?
RAHM: (laughing hysterically) Sorry Nola, couldn't stop myself. I'll put O on.
Obama: NOOOO-oh-oh-oh oh oh oh la la la!!!
Nola: Okay, you're high. Anywho O, I get it. I’m back to Bethlehem. Two minutes. One minor detail before I go.
Obama: Nola. You can’t go to Golgotha. I know you, I understand you’re upset.
Nola: O, in my short time here I’ve been denied entrance into the gay circle, drowned, chased, and patronized. You know who I blame?
Obama: Jesus?
Nola: Jesus motherfucking Christ! That little weasel can get over on 80 percent of the population, but today he’s met his match. I’m not going anywhere until I see justice carried out.
Obama: So be it. I’ll have the secret service waiting for you in Golgotha.
(Nola closes her Bible for Dummies and throws it in the Serpents Pool. She skips off to Golgotha.)
CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:
Reverend Lowery: And now we return to the gospel according to, uh, Nola Shumway.
Reverend Lowery: You see that’s the strength of Christ.
Looks down at bible and continues reading:
Reverend Lowery: (looks up from the bible.) Well, that is an interesting interpretation of John indeed.
CUT TO A BUNKER SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDWEST:
Nola: So that’s it O. I swear, I thought I was done for, but my precious Vladdy came to my rescue.
Obama: Nola, I’m thankful you’re safe. Rahm has arranged for a press conference about the Evergreen Chapel incident. My administration is going to take a hit, but we’re going to leak the story along with mental health records of the good reverend. Everybody will think that once again I’ve set up church with a crazy reverend. Kanye’s tweets actually support our story, so we are very thankful for that. I do have one more question Nola-
Nola: Yes, I’m pretty sure he was gay.
Obama: No, (chuckling) I’m curious, is he really black?
Nola: Don’t be stupid O. He’s Jewish.
Obama: How can you be sure?
Nola: Let’s just say that when I said the guards could find him in the garden because he was the one kissing Judas, that was the G rated version of what was going on. Definitely not Black.
Obama: (chuckling) I was hoping, I’m not going to pretend I wasn’t.
Nola: I did figure one thing out while I was in the Rabbi hole.
Obama: What’s that?
Nola: Your tactic on selling climate change to the American public? It’s all wrong.
Obama: I’m listening.
Nola: The only thing in the world that can’t be debated is faith, right? I mean, people actually believe that this man Jesus broke fish into millions of pieces and served it to dirty poor people.
Obama: So to speak, yes.
Nola: Well, they have faith, so we can’t argue logically.
Obama: I’m a bit lost, I’ll admit.
Nola: We all are, O, a little less thanks to Google maps, but nonetheless. What I’m proposing is that we change the way we talk about climate change. We’ll refer to it as Intellectual Design. It will be referenced as the ‘Climate Change Faith.’ Mother Earth is our God, and she is a vengeful god, a just god. Her prophet, Al Gore has been running around the planet warning of the impending doom if we humans don’t change our ways. The devil, Rush Limbaugh, urges on the doubters, filling their heads with irrational thoughts about consumption, Jesus, and evil democrats.
Obama: (hugs Nola, tears in his eyes) my dear Mother Earth! Nola, I think you just started your very own religion.
Nola: (trying to escape squeeze) Ugh! Ick! I know, I know, you don’t have to be all sensitive. Can I go?
Obama: Where are you off to?
Nola: Russia, but of course. Check in with the Vlad. Did you see that FP greatest thinkers rating? Not bad. I’ll tell you, he’s going to have a lot on his mind when he sees what I brought home from Sodom. He is going to (Obama puts hand over Nola’s mouth)
Obama: Please Nola. Spare the details. Skip along, I’ll be in contact soon. Things are still festering in the financial sector. I may need you to go in, shake things up.
Nola: CEO? Oh, man I’m going to have the most amazing office. (turns, and over her shoulder) I’ll need a budget. Okay. That’s all, that’s all… BYE! (Skips off)
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